Last but not least

2017 >>>2018
Today is last day for 2017 and is last for the year of 2017. Today is so special for me, again I’m going to count down the year alone.
Ya, I post a blog rather than post a status on social media. I may not able to express for the year in just a status with limited words.

    Away from my usual hometown, a familiar environment, familiar people and those I love. It bring out my emotional which I hide it so long. At this moment, I choose to sit at CAMACa. A place famous for their dessert rather than their coffee.
     Why I come back here ? For me, the coffee that I love was so pricy. I came to their new branch. As my first visit to the cafe at a mall, I had met up a young staff. Ms C, she is younger than me. With short conversation, just like meet up a long lost friend. She share with me how she love coffee and the vision and mission of her work place. I saw a passionate girl for her work. I can imagine how I was when I talk about my  work. She is the first stranger I talk and tear down when I received a call from my mom. Come back here, so that I can meet her again? Maybe , and because I want to see this place where she said I may like the concept. Personlly after I came I doesnt like the design to luxury for me. But ya the quality and the service is better like Starbucks.
      Back to the reflect of this year, 2017, I got so much more to share. Mainly is because I had come to kk,Sabah. The adventure and full of grace and newly life here. Away from a hectic working environment, back to be a practical level. I feel so grateful for all the past four months I had been through. Excitment, fear of unknown, worry about every step, joyful for the great people, and so much more. Up and down in emotionally which sometime break me down and also boost me with laugh. A new environment and a different culture really surprise me. I couldn’t just said it is bad or good. It will be part of life. Thanks for so much people that I met here. I love and I never regret to come over here. From cafe, restaurant, and hosp that went and spent time over there. I met so much great people from the starting month till now. I believe there is so much more I going to wait for my next two months here.
     So much of great memory for me. I sure will back here to meet back my friends here. A  life culture of enjoy life, make life simple and enjoy all the natural things that our Creator had provide. Almost all I had met, and the local friends make me think of this. May God bless this place and the people.
     This year will be the year I discover coffee more. I started to drink coffee from few years back. About coffee, I have so little for understanding. The deep inside of coffee is start to influence me when my bro work “barista”. He start to let me know “dark” roast , “medium” and “light” roast. From then I started to curious about specialty of coffee. Myself getting curious on the taste note I tasted. Initially, I still don’t know what different and why people so into the coffee. From the begining I just drink, and drink. For me just bitter from the taste. Everythinf start change when I went to bangkok. I visit few cafe at Bangkok. From one cup till many cup later, my tongue start change. Variety of coffee and bean I tried and barista explained. Start to explore and tried many creative presentation from a cup of coffee.  Concept of a coffee since then had changed. Start to love how a coffee and give me. Discover more and more when I back Pg. From coffee, I met up few great barista and cafe staff. What had they share for me and let me know more about coffee, plus current global about coffee. It let me know, barista really can be a great bright career. I can see many of them let me know and show me their passionate from doing a cup of coffee. From planting a coffee tree, process from berry till the bean, from green bean till roasted bean and then brew with water. A cup of coffee formed. Process of brewing also need skill and the coffee knwoledge. I love how they let me know more about coffee.
      Came to KK, I know more and discover many coffee lover from cafe to cafe. An opportunity, I get close with a cafe staff and the boss. From them, I learn and discover taste note of every cup. Going to miss this place when I’m back Pg.
Ya, end it here. So much more to share, but tired of typing.

My favour hobby, may not usual.

          Many girls have their hobby, include me. Commonly female like shopping. As many of them prefer self touch up like make-up, clothes match up, insta-ing, and picturing.
Plus cafe hopping. If affordable ,they will follow and get update with all the brands.
For me, I prefer eating n cafeing, browse my insta, sitting and day dreaming. If affordable will plan a trip to enjoy, by own planing. Free and easy , not like backpacker just want a travel trip which put in the place I wish to go. Prefer cold weather, prefer Autumn than spring. Like cloudy than sunny.
          My daily routine are working, when there is time for rest. Love to sleep, and like to find more “better” place for food. I live in Penang, M’sia. A place many local love their food and proud of their taste of local food. So am I, I proud to be Penangite.
However, I prefer not local food. I love my mom homecook food, cafe style, korea and japanese fusion. During my rest time, I will go cafe for a meal and coffee. But most of time just go alone.
Seem weird?

People seem to can not understand, and feel why I’m so isolate. There is a period of time, I not use to it. I felt weird, when I sit down I can saw many curious eye looking at me. That period of time, cause me stay at home more. Slowly I realised, it not weird. I need a space which I can stay alone, talk to myself. Especially, when you not able to stay alone during daily routine. And my routine work is connect with people and walking non-stop. For example most of the time I stay together my roommates. People may think, better to stay together rather than alone. Ya, I agree that. But still want to introduce people give sometime to stay alone outside.
Sitting alone in a coffee shop. Watch movie alone in a cinema. …
Just like give yourself a time. Self reflex, or self relax….
My job is communicate with people, thats why I prefer time for myself to stop talking. Just observe people and drinking a cup of coffee or tea….
Hearing people around chating… laughing… eating… watching the waitress walking and serving people….
Looking at the design of a place…

Sometime I feel life will just step down slowly…  no need to rush, just looking the environment surround us. You will enjoy it.

Today, I’m sitting in a cafe, saw few people
female or male alone with their food or drink. Just like reflecting myself here. Just so nice. I won’t go ask them or be friend with them, because just like myself I want to be alone here.

Reading how great my God is, and hearing the music playing in ther cafe. It so great. Thank for His favor, love the cafe feel at KK
… I’m sitting in a Woo cafe at KK and uploading my blog.

STRUGGLE

Finally, I leave the state I use to be there. In my age of 25, I came to KK, Sabah for the 6months. Fortunate or unfortunate, until now I’m still wondering. But at least, I leave the place as I wish.
    Initailly, I was nervous before touch down.  With Him, I know everything is under His protect. Went the first day, when reaching the place where I plan to stay temporary. The first impression I saw was so shock me. It shock until I really cant think rationally and can’t decide my initial plan.
     However, I follow my friend, she decide to stay there. Less than 200, an empty space with a bulb…. at least got window and can sunshine. I decide to take that room rather than a room without a sunshine in. The floor was the problem, is in simen form, not smooth is the rough type. We given the deposit and all payment, then we get the key. Put down all my luggages, even is dusty, because all of them to heavy for me. We decide go the cheapest place to get all the necessary thing for the stay. My friend asked her sabah friend for the place to go. When we decide to go, I’m wondering why is so far from here. At the end, ww brought many things. Mattress, fan, water pail, bread, hangers, and water.
   Firstly, I never thought the area, I mean the surrounding was not clean as I think. Went back to the room, we started clean… really struggling cleaning all the dust… because of the rough floor. It is hard to clean, and we met a lady from the house. She saw us cleaning and ask us to put on the floor mat. I told her, we don’t have and I asked her back where to get. At he end, she given us two piece, which is not completely big and it’s old  and not clean. That moment, I think just clean , and mop… what ever it is, just try my best to adapt the environment.
      Look back the days, five to six days I wan there. Before start class, I really felt urge to move out. But rationally, I can’t do it. My mind was fighting for move or stay. That place really a house, with many room… outside is like a old kampung without develop. The atmosphere is not clean. Look up the sky, I hope I can fly up high and not to step on the ground. The gutter and the road, with all the weird smell. All the “water” gray and cloudy colour, and stay static. That onset, my mind feel unsecure and while walk out to the junction we past by the houses. I can see many house with many people. It not like a housing area with family. My mind blow me with many possible dangers. It end up, increase my stress level. At 6-7pm, my friend decide to walk all the way. As she want to save money and not to take grabcar. I understand her, and we walk together. One the first day, while we walk back to the room, we past by big road with a lot of cars. A car suddenly just stop beaidw us, I sense it can ask my friend to keep walking and ignore the car. I pray in tongue in inside. Just a mins, the car left. That time, my mind was really out. I feel like want to cry desperately. But I know I shouldn’t, as my friend was not thinking the same things as mine. I feel not to stress on her. She understand me. I feel so sorry for her.
      I was so struggle, the house is full of mystery. As it is renovate to become so much small rooms, just first floor already got at least 11. I never when up to second floor. So can imagine only this house the first floor can occupied so mucb people. I think count the house beside and opposite. If really a kampung, with simple house. I can accept I feel saw. But because of the things that I saw, I really can’t make myself to continue stay over there. People will think I was like a princess that can’t sta at those place. Few days of taking grab, few driver chinese or malay, they also surprise we stay there and one of them advice us to be careful, as “got nakal people” …
       I pray in tongue as I really don’t know what to do. I never be so obsess on hygience, after I came over here, I felt I really can’t get use to it. Thanks God for His grace, on first day class, meet up new people, two of them from sabah and sarawak. Both of them from private, one of them from Sarawak she also need place to stay. The Sabah friend, she is from GMC KK, she stay at Grace court. Which is near my previous place. So at the end of the class, we decide to go over there and search for room.
     That day was a raining day, we walk and search all over the place. Many contacts we get, not contactable or either full. When we struggle for an hour, praise the Lord , we get two feedback and finally we move to current room.
     It is in Grace court, first floor, one unit with three room. The empty room was big, they allow two of us to stay. So 450 divide two, is 225. And it like master room, all female, and all muslim expected two of us. The people at kk really not so racist like semenanjung people. They are friendly, and can mix around. Even in a chinese stall you still can see the muslim working. I felt Sabah really show what is 1 Msia.
      The area here, got Grace court, Grace villa , Grace point. Surprisingly, all is muslim area. How great and mercy of God given me to stay at this place. I felt to grateful to have a chance stay here.
     While typing this post, I already stay for the 3rd week. Feel so comfortable with the atmosphere, getting us to it. A room wide enough for two. And able to let me sleep so well.
     On this day, I do a decide after I pray. I delete all the conversation to prevent me to find him. I feel so sorry, for not able to reply him feeling toward me. I couldn’t let him know I also have same feeling. It way back in my secondary school, he can be my first love. All these I couldn’t tell anyone. It really a secret I never let anyone know, include my cousin and him. I start all the conversation with him, end up I reject him twice. I think of many possibility , the hardship may face. Ya, you may think I just think too much. Ya I couldn’t stop myself to think. I do hope, I stop all and just confess. However, I cry again. He want to have distance with me, I understand, because I cant promise and accept him and get in relationship. He thought I really treat him like brother. It so struggle, during the time I can’t chat with him, I couldn’t concentrate on my free time. Until his birthday, I finally can sent him a wish. And I keep find excuse to make my message appear on his phone. …. at the end my rational thought came out. It make me take this to pray to God, I ask God if after I sent the link, he reply in words I will continue, if he reply in icon I have to decide delete all conversation.
     When I opened the message, it is in icon. Now words, I know this is what decision making I have to do. I tear down again and press the delete button.
     No turning back, all this after I saw the post in his best sister blog. She make effort to do a cake which she doesn’t know how to cook. I saw the effort she does and I realize I can’t do this for anyone. Except myself, and my family.
     I know I couldn’t be a woman of a man yet, I’m not ready. Okay, as I keep say, stay as single till the end of my life.
In Jesus Name I pray, Your blood break all the curse. Your strip heal all the broken part of me and the relationship of me and others include him. Give me new thinking, waste me and renew me Lord. I pray to You, get me ready as a woman and meet a guy again who know You and deeply favor by God. God guide me as I stay here, keep myself focus on You Jesus and not people. Guide all my steps and cover me with Your feathers. AMEN

One of the Year in life

In this year, I kept tell myself to stay single.

Many of my friend ask me and thought I had a hurt feeling from past love…

Sadly I never have a real date with anyone. Whenever I share this, they will said why so negative. But, I never know I will be this negative.

I stop myself for having crush with any guys. I stop all the good feeling. I stop all the conversation with my male friends. I do hope my sister have a good date with one of them. I stay focus on my work and my study. I finally do a decision to apply the course. Just wish to have a chance to fly out Penang.

I never wish I will have meet a good guy or a soulmate. Because I not changing my mind to be like a good lady or a wife to be. I stay same as always, I meet many people. But I don’t wish to have in love with anyone.

Recently read up an article about 25 years old…

“If its meant to be, it will be” but sometime we cannot wish all to be our way,  because it fail to get it after great effort. Just don’t insist to have it.

“Maintain the passion in whatever I do ”  if lost the passion in work, we will lost our energy to work continuous everyday. Passion in work, will made me comfortable and enjoy in my job. Same in life, passion made me live a life lively.

Relationship in this age to like a puppy love, we look for a soulmate to live together. We wish not to have a relationship bring up burden and worry.

… … Currently i can say myself really cold-blood

I meet up a guy with good manner during the first impression. Generally, he give me polite in talking, quiet and “clean”. His outlook on that day really neat and tidy. It’s good to meet him, but I felt shy as myself, especially my face not that clean as him. Aiks… wish to meet him again, but in other side I wish not to…. so delima

Do hope I meet a guy really will end up life together in future. Pray to God, he is more initiative and both of us have crush to each other.

Mid of the year, time fly.

Is july of the year.
Time fly like a flash….
At an age of 25. I still the same, no obvious change in life. I still single and work at same place.
My taste of food change, wish to have coffee without milk ( espresso? )
No, is filter coffee. Like tea, but from coffee bean. (single origin)
It recently make my life colourful. When meet up those barista, I wish they willing to share. As I still a newbie to the field.
On the april I went to Bangkok for cafe hunting. Because of my brother, I went to few interesting cafe and meet up friendly barista. They change my impression toward those people who good in coffee not all arrogant. They like to ask our opinion if they know how to speak english. And their quality of food and drink really make me impressed. My country I hope I can have those creative drink.

How bless I am, meet up two pretty and handsome peoples in a coffee festival recently. This festival is out my expectation, not a big extent and just few cafe or roaster cafe join. But these two peoples make my visit memorable. By chance a friendly bos let me tried out two free cold brew one is Indonesia Forest, another is Columbia. Again I tried on filter coffee by using the Kalita wave after He know I’m interest in filter coffee. Kenya coffee bean, I forget the name and process, have such a nice citrus fruity aroma. Served by a senior barista, she is friendly, and share all she know using simple way to explain the process of brewing.
From the festival, I get to know pretty lady can be so scheme sometime. However, there are good barista in my country. After the day, I bring my mom to the cafe for lunch. I choose this cafe nearby after i had short conversation with the bos during the festival. It’s been a while after the first visit, he told me currently the place less mosquitor compare to initially they start business. I pay this visit again, to give this chance again, wish the cafe change my impression. But still difficult for a meal to impress my tongue. At the end, the bos, who i meet at the festival, he came and ask my opinion. A sudden of him appear, my mom and I was in the shock actually. Sometime I wish to tell many thing, like opinion on that meal. But, too sudden, I can’t really express out my mind. Aiks…

(Anyway the boss, handsome too, and cute. Not to forget the barista, she is pretty and cute too.)
I brought one of the drip coffee bag, is so nice. It meet my caffeine fix during my night shift.
Now I looking up the brewing course too.

Stay away from people

“share how your day went …”
“what’s on your mind… ”
Sometime saw those thing in facebook can’t really help me to share. I would feel to stop look up social media. A bit become antisocial.

Recently I was keep focus on workplace and job that i’m working in.
I stayed away from people ( friend , cousin and family). I just wanna work and enjoy people ( patient and parents) that I meet up during my working hours.
I enjoyed , and I wish to continue that.
Is that good when working too much during weekend?
I already used to current working time and day shift mostly at weekend.

Past two week I back to church as a sudden change of plan. I didn’t go for short gateway, end up off continuous for four days. (during weekend)
Back to the church that I used to go, and comfortable brothers and sisters I know since I’m primary school.
However, I can’t feel comfortable anymore. I wanna hide from anyone sight, and wish to hide at the corner. And say ” don’t talk to me”
Coincidently, church have event and my church brother ask me to join them for “pain”ball after sunday service.
My cousin, who use to understand me well, I also feel strange. She may still know me, but I want to stay away. Other friend, brother and sister, I also talk formally. I closed up my heart and hide away my feeling truthfully. Just told them about my favourite food and great place to hangout. I don’t want to show my own mind anymore.
During the game time, meet up a person that I used to chat for a year and seem like close in phone only. But recently, in this year we don’t talk anymore. Even meet up during camp, I can’t talk to him personally anymore. I stay away and I felt like both of us never talk before, like a stranger.
“Maybe you don’t know exactly what happened, as if things drifted slowly and although there is no “bad blood” things just don’t seem to work anymore. Strangers can become best friends just as easily as best friends can become strangers, it’s odd. But why does it happen?”
Even until the game finish we just talk few words, without any deep in. Just formally finish the conversation.

” We don’t talk anymore
We don’t talk anymore
We don’t talk anymore
Like we used to do
We don’t laugh anymore
What was all of it for?
Oh, we don’t talk anymore
Like we used to do.”
Even the older brother I used to talk, I also stop message him. I think let myself not into anyone and let them focus on others. Recently I’m thinking what is my purpose of my phone really for. Will it help me have conversation with others. I wish to close my phone line, because it just for my family. And whenever I want to look up network for latest news and new song, only my phone work purposely for me.
What happen to me?

After all this I just want to cry out loud to Him, let Him filled me up.
Luckily I have Jesus Christ in life. His finished work on me and have such a great Grace for my life.
Holy Spirit that He sent for me to be my comforter, helper and counselor.
Food can’t let me full, coffee not let me awake.
Only Your love, grace and faith that can filled me up, complete me.
I pray and let You help me and bring me through this uncomfortable time with people.

So do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you;
I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10

Will it continue ? Hope it won’t.
Wish to runaway from this area…

Season of Life

Wave fill with accelerate and decelerate;
Colour with white and black;
Sky with Sun and moon.

Time run as usual, no matter how the world be.
Is a non-stop cycle.
Move forward and look forward.
it doesn’t matter what you going to be.
No worry of tommorrow

“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow,
for tomorrow will worry about itself. 
Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
                       Matthew 6:35

Season to season , winter to spring.
Life is like a season… there will be a cycle that keep changing…
Spring to winter, winter to spring.
Happiness and the sadness moments.
No matter how bad it will be, get rid of it.

Grace from Him, we can be who we are, and
brave enough to look forward and pass through every season.

Be yourself, as God given the grace for us to live a  abundance life.
That is what He promise.
“Cast your cares on the Lord
 And He will sustain you;
 He will never let the righteous fall” 
                 Psalm 55:22

 Enclosed with the lyric of “spring Days”
“아침은 다시 올 거야
어떤 어둠도
어떤 계절도
 영원할 순 없으니까”
“The morning will come again
Because no darkness,
No season
Can last forever”
” 벚꽃이 피나봐요
  이 겨울도 끝이 나요”
“Cherry blossoms are blooming
The winter is ending”

No darkness or season can last forever.
No sinner person can’t be forgive. 
Being humane, there will so hard to forgive. 
BUT, in this world … there is a gift that lovely gift for all. A biggest gift for all mankind. That is from Jesus Christ, Son of God. He died on the cross for all our sins. His dead bring us the peace and the connection back with God again.  No sin can’t be forgive….
No darkness side cant be shine again.
Because of Him, He is our lamp and He will lighten the darkness around.
The morning will come again.

             FAITH  HOPE  LIFE

DECIDE TO DO

Recently many thought in mind.
Cant really figure out what is it.
Already stay over here.in my current working area for 2.5 yrs.
Some of my friend already back from post basic course. Some plan to go get degree course.
What I’m doing here ?
Spending all my time with current work ? Work day day night night and night night day day…
I do wish I able to decide what I’m going to studay.
I have a plan , to further study on post basic, after 5yrs which I get from a new hospital , after my contract. Because I doesnt want to stay over a same place.
Currently , felt struggle in thinking my future path and what to study … pray , but I cant really forcus.
Thinking of many things.
Church, friend, future , relationship, family…

Today I cried, tear down… without a clear reason.
Ward not busy , not because stress…
Frustrated, but cant even make me tear down.
….
Because he resign , and may leave us.. Because of this ?
Not really…. but doesnt meant he go I won’t sad.
Because of my future ?  I think not really.

Thank my dear sister was beside me , she also not really know what is happening. But I get encourage from her, how she live and how she respond to Father above.
So I deicede , to make a very first step , I wanna change myself by God grace.
Change inside me…
And change to be more persistent and consistent in make a good relationship with Him.
Dear Father above, may you give me strength and constantly connect with you , I need Your grace and spiritually guardian on my coming 30 days , may You lead me and prepare me to be the person You wan me to be. IN JESUS NAME I PRAY AMEN.

Fellowship

“Youth”
… they had committed a lot.
…. they are tired
… a lot of effort they put in

… but everything just like in static mode

They are not good ? No !
But I felt something about relationship with God personally….
That relationship will bring in new strength …. new direction … new view of serving…
GOD IS DOING ALL
LEADER in youth.
… Commitment
… idividual friendship
… Tolerant

We need open our heart and commit our life for God to change. Let holy spirit to light up the light in it.

Throwback

After service , thx holy spirit guidden , I get that message
Thank God for giving a comfirmation and encouragement.
Look back those years since after my convert. HOW GREAT and His grace that given to me and lead me to the path.
…. from a person poor in communication
   Until become dare to start a conversation with a stranger.
…. and to be more out going
A change in me
Sometime ,I always query, “am I on a right path “… many time I seek God for the answer , many time I forget God had answered me through many way.

我感受了主的慈爱信实
远远超过宇宙最高蓝天
祢的好处已经向我显现
远比海洋更阔又更深

主啊！我自问我是谁呢
竟成祢眼中瞳人
我用什么来报答祢厚恩
唯藉赞美与敬拜祢

我所领受祢的一切恩典
使我惊讶使我喜乐无限
什至我未曾思想过的事件
祢都完全为我预备